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You Won’t BELIEVE What This Girl Has To Say About SEX! It Will BLOW Your MIND!

Resist the temptation to steal and repurpose this magic.

Resist the temptation to steal and repurpose this magic.

Awhile back, I had a friend who did a lot of research on how to snag a man.  This girl was on the hunt for a husband, and she was reading books on how to find good men and what sort of trickery to employ to get one to commit and become her “one.”  My initial response was to roll my eyes out of my skull, (more…)

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Common Situations, As Experienced by Kanye West and Kim Kardashian

 

 

Making the bed

“KIM!  KIM!!!!!!! YOU THINK THESE COLORS IS FADIN?  THIS PURPLE AIN’T REGAL ENOUGH ANYMORE.  WE’RE ROYALTY UP IN THIS SHIT.  AIN’T NOBODY HIGHER THAN US!  NO ONE CAN CATCH US SLACKIN ON OUR FUCKIN COLOR FADE TECHNOLOGY!!!! BRING THAT ASS OVER HERE AND CHECK THIS OUT.  MMM YEAH, DAT ASS.  THESE COLORS AIN’T RIGHT KIM!!!  THIS AIN’T FIT FOR A FUCKIN GOD!!!!!!!  It is soft though.”
“I know, baby!”

Choosing what to eat at a restaurant

“KIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KIM.  KIM, YOU THINK WE SHOULD GET SOME CHEESECAKE?  THIS CHEESECAKE GOT CREME FRAICHE ON IT.  THE FUCK IS A CREME FRAICHE?  KIM, YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A CREME FRAICHE IS?  CREME FRAICHE BE SOME WORTHY SHIT FOR A FUCKING EMPEROR TO PUT IN HIS MOUTH?  KIM, THIS CHEESECAKE GONNA FUCK UP MY STOMACH AGAIN?  I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T, RIGHT, GIRL?  YOU KNOW DESSERT MAKE MY DICK HARD THOUGH!  Ugh, it sounds positively sinful, doesn’t it?  We should be bad tonight.”
“Baby.  You’re right.”

Picking out what to wear

“KIM.  KIIIIIIIIIIM!!!!!!!!  KIM?????????? KIM!  THIS DRESS IS FOR YOU.  YOU SEE THIS?  THIS IS A FUCKING NEW ERA OF DRESS.  CLOTHES AREN’T JUST CLOTHES, KIM!!!!!!!!!!! CLOTHES ARE OUR STATEMENT TO THE WORLD, AND OUR STATEMENT IS FUCK YOU!   YOU CAN BOW THE FUCK DOWN!  WE RUN THE FUCKIN WORLD!  YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M SAYIN KIM?  CHEST BUMP ME RIGHT NOW, GIRL!!!!!!! DAMN THEM TITTIES IS BOUNCY AS FUCK!  LET ME ZIP THIS UP, GIRL!  OH YEAH DAT ASS.  LOOKIN LIKE THE PERFECT QUEEN TO THIS FUCKIN KING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO ONE CAN MESS WITH US.  NO ONE CAN TOP US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE ON THIS SHIT, KIM!!!!!!!!!!!  KIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE ON THIS SHIT!!!!!!!  Where’d you get those heels, girl, them rhinestones are so sparkly.”
“Oh baby, I know.”

Changing North’s diaper

“¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡KIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  THIS SHIT FUCKIN STINK, KIM.  WHAT WE GOTTA DO TO MAKE THIS BABY SHIT OUT A FLOWER?  NORTH WEST DOESN’T FUCKIN SHIT SHIT, SHE SHITS FLOWERS.  THIS BABY IS GONNA BE THE FIRST HUMAN BEING TO EVER SHIT OUT SHIT YOU WANT TO SMELL!   PEOPLE GONNA WALK BY THE BATHROOM AFTER SHE SHITS AND BE LIKE, “THOSE PEONIES?!!!!!!!”  YOU GOD DAMN RIGHT THOSE ARE PEONIES!!!!!!!!  WE ARE GONNA MAKE THIS HAPPEN.  THIS CHILD WAS FUCKIN CHOSEN.  THIS CHILD IS A GODDESS.  KIM THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN, KIM.  WE GONNA GET HER ON AN ALL FLOWER DIET, KIM.  WE GONNA CHANGE THE FUCKIN GAME RIGHT NOW.  I think we’ve been feeding her too much fiber, honestly.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Kanye.”

 

I just made your head hurt.   Here:

welcomePeonies_09

 

Sorry.