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I Don’t Use Humor As A Shield What Are You Talking About

I was not a funny kid, but I always liked comedy.  My cousin and I would get Domino’s and watch Dana Carvey and George Carlin stand up before we were old enough to understand it.  We were drawn to anything that had the potential to amuse us. Our childhoods weren’t all that great, you see!

Back then I was a hideously shy, quiet girl who took everything personally.  I went to a tiny school in a tiny town with a bunch of bored kids.  Bullying was a common pastime, and I was an easy target.  I was too skinny, my ears stuck out, and I never fought back.  I was berated for my looks, for using words that were too big (I carried around a pocket thesaurus for years — the equivalent to putting a kick me sign on my own back), for finishing my tests too fast, and for getting good grades.  This is not a humblebrag – none of that shit gets you liked in school. I had been praised so much for doing well in school by my family that I’d never risk disappointing them by slacking off, but I wanted desperately to be liked and accepted by my peers. (more…)

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Ice Cream and I Have Agreed to See Other People.

Reasons why I eat:

-I’m happy about something.
-I’m sad about something.
-The sky is blue again today.
-My dog has cool whiskers.
-Beyonce exists.

Ugh, I need some chicken wings.

Ugh, I need some chicken wings.

In other words, most of the time I don’t eat purely because I’m hungry.  I’m actually not hungry that often.  If I were to eat just to satiate a bodily need, I think I could get by on a big sandwich per day and be fine.  But food is a form of comfort to me, and sometimes the relationship gets ugly, particularly when I’m stressed out about something.  I’ve written myself a prescription for pizza and ice cream and I can refill it until the end of time.  I can write you one too, if you want!

This is why I have decided to do a juice cleanse, starting tomorrow.  Why should you care?  You don’t have to, but this is my goddamn blog and you’re here, aren’t you?

One of my friends has done one through a local place called Pressed Juicery, and they deliver you a shipment for the day every morning.  I have appointed them my dealer.  I can hear you now: “Jesus Christ, how LA of you!  What’s next, you going to become an organic homeopathic vegan Scientologist?”  First of all, I’m not nearly wealthy enough to be a Scientologist.  Secondly, no!  I’m not trying to really “cleanse” myself of anything – I think the whole cleansing theory is bullshit to begin with (although my body will undoubtedly benefit from a break from cheese and wine).  I’m doing this because I want to challenge myself to stop consuming things just to consume them, and see if I can do it.  I’ve already tried simply eating healthy, but my willpower isn’t usually strong enough to stick to it for long.  I feel like I need a reset button of sorts.  So I’m trying this.  Maybe it’ll be good for me in the long run.

Or maybe I will just be a miserable sack of misery for the next few days (chances: solid), in which case maybe don’t talk to me much?  Either way, I’ll be blogging about how this goes.  If I’m going to torture myself by drinking straight up liquified kale spinach gross for several days, you’re gonna read about it!  I mean, if you choose to.

Ew!  Juice!

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I SUCK AND OH GOD WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE! A Case For Calming Your Shit

If you’re anything like me, you constantly look at the people around you, measure yourself against their seeming successes, take a look back at yourself, mentally kick yourself in the ass for being behind/a failure/not knowing what the hell you’re doing, eat a gallon of ice cream and cry while listening to your Sia, Drake and Enya mixtape (those are still a thing, right?) as you stare at yourself sobbing in the mirror surrounded by tissues and wine and a confused looking dog. Um. Something like that completely imagined scenario. Haha, LEFT FIELD COMING IN FOR A LANDING! Amirite?

I’ve never felt good enough for much of anything. Sometimes it’s crippling enough that I choose inaction as the only action. If I do something, I’m just going to suck at it! And people will judge me. With their eyes. And words. And no thanks.

Why does anybody do this to themselves? I guess (more…)

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Gettin serious on you now

We humans are so very unhappy. Regardless of the stage we may be in life, we always have something to complain about that keeps us from truly enjoying the stage of being that we’re currently in. In one sense, I guess that keeps us always moving forward, motivated to go to the next level. But on the other hand, it also keeps us from ever fucking enjoying anything.

I have a hell of a list of grievances. I’m not where I want to be career-wise, not sure I am living in the right place, approaching 30 and no stable relationship to speak of for the past several years, not making nearly enough money, blah blah ad nauseum. So I usually look at people who possess one or more of these things and think, “they must be more satisfied than I am.” It’s dismaying how often this seems to be exactly the opposite of the truth.

An engaged girlfriend of mine is unhappy with her job, and when I say, “yeah, but… hey, at least you’re on the right track in your relationship, right?”, she’ll heave a sigh and say “sure but I hate my job so much!!” Another friend who recently got a better job and a raise isn’t doing so well in her love life, and I’ll be like “true, but you’re movin on up! When you focus on that, it doesn’t seem so bad….right?” And she’ll heave a sigh and be like “sure but God I’m not getting any younger and I’m so tired of these meaningless dates.” You’re not making me feel any better, ladies. Do we ever allow ourselves to feel happy about anything? I used to think I had some kind of problem, listening to people point out all the good in my life and telling me to quit bellyaching about not achieving this goal or that goal according to this timeline I had set up in my head. I thought it was my own personal flaw, and that everyone was happy but me. The more I stop and take a look around, I realize this is a shared problem.

I mean I get it. We all have this concept of happiness that usually equates with everything needing to be just so – this idealized version of how our lives should be. And we feel like we’re not going to be truly happy until we get there. We can overlook all the great shit we have going for ourselves and be heaving that sigh and going , “yeah, but…”

Do we ever stop and take the time to enjoy, be happy about…anything?

Will this help?