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Juice Cleanse Day 3: This Will Be a Shock to No One

I quit!

I made it through the entire 3rd day feeling okay, but I attribute that to the fact that I had eaten the night before.  I also only drank 4 of the 6 juices, and didn’t finish any of them.  I felt so terrible the first day that I didn’t want to risk repeats the following days, so I felt I had to limit my consumption.  Which was cutting crucial calories.  By the end of the day, I admitted to myself that this had been an exercise in insanity, and I ate scraps of food I had leftover from before this thing started.  Screw it.

I definitely didn’t do this the “right” way, considering that I skipped the 3 day prep step before starting it, and that I gave in and ate a bit the last two days.  Would this have gone better if I had?  Maybe!  But I have a tough time thinking that all that sugar would have made me feel good under any circumstances — there was as much as 40g of it in one bottle of those things.  If they’d been less sweet, and had 100% less celery, maybe I could have stuck it out better than I did, but I am pretty convinced these cleanses are a load of shit.

Some people claim that juice detoxes make them feel awesome.  To those people I say good for you.  Keep doing it if you think it works for you.  But for me, this felt the opposite of healthy.

I still have two days of juice coming on Friday and Saturday, unfortunately, but I will not be doing this anymore.  I may drink the two least offensive ones and just throw the rest out.  Maybe donate them to a neighbor.  Maybe blast them into the sun.

In closing, if you’re ever considering doing a juice cleanse, eat some goddamn salad instead.

 

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Juice Cleanse Day 2: Ugh.

I don’t follow rules well.

No headache, heartburn or nausea when I woke up in the morning, but I took one sip of that first celery concoction and poured the rest out.  I also only drank about 3/4 each of all the other juices because they’re too fucking sweet.

And I ate some nuts.  And later some pretzels.  Whoops.

My head has been foggy but otherwise I feel alright.  Shockingly, I’m not hungry.  I gave in and ate some solid food mostly because I needed something to cut all the sugar.

I’m ducking out of social activities with people because I can’t bring myself to explain that I am drinking juice and can’t eat food or drink alcohol with them (what else is there?), even though in LA that’s probably not the most uncommon excuse.

I officially don’t believe that this is “detoxing” or good for you, because no human being should be consuming this much sugar in a day, let alone for days in a row.  This is coming from a girl who could house 4 cupcakes and ask for one more.

I’m shutting this down after Thursday, unless I wake up with either A) superpowers, B) washboard abs, or C) washboard abs with superpowers.

 

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Juice Cleanse Day 1: This Is Entirely Too Much Juice

In case you missed my post Monday explaining why I’m doing this to myself, click here.

When the Pressed Juicery delivery person showed up and placed the first box of juices at my door at 3:30am, I was awake to hear it.  My dog had woken me up moments prior to vomit on the floor.  Archer is sympathy barfing the start of this experience.

For the last four days, I’ve been polluting my body with alcohol and nutritionally bankrupt foods.  From my birthday celebration on Friday to the Bey/Jay concert I went to on Sunday, watching what I eat/drink has been sliced off of my priority list and set on fire.  So I’m already doing this all wrong.  According to all the juice cleanse “how to do this without dying” material I read on the internet, you’re supposed to slowly ease yourself into a cleanse by eating healthy, light foods and drinking a lot of water for at least three days prior.  That just didn’t happen at all. (more…)