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The Pop Up

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Women: I’m not going to ask you if this sounds familiar, because I already know it does.

You’re going about your merry business, your phone buzzes and, thinking nothing of it, you glance at it and a name pops up that throws your brain on its ass.  The name of a person with whom you shared some sort of history with, but is no longer a regular part of your life.  Maybe things ended fine, maybe they ended a little ???, or maybe they ended downright terribly.

Regardless of where things were left, their name popping up incites a dizzying mixture of surprise/excitement/nausea/despair/elation/fury/spastic eroticism/heartburn and before you even attempt to formulate a response, you start a new text to one of your friends saying, “GUESS WHO JUST FUCKIN TEXTED ME.” (more…)

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10 More Things Women Wish Men Knew About Sex

 

The first time I wrote one of these, I spent a lot of time cringing before hitting the publish button.  So I thought to myself, let’s do it all over again!

1.  It’s a nice thought, but the act of sex itself does not need to go on for an hour.  Trust me, this is not the type of making her “not be able to walk straight” sore that you want to aim for.  A better idea: breaking up activity into smaller chunks with breaks in between.  Then you can call it a marathon and wow, don’t you sound like the man now?

2.  Stop trying to recreate the insanity you are seeing in porn.  Porn is shot to (more…)

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I Noticed You Stopped Asking Why I’m Single, So Now I’ll Tell You

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You know what’s worse than people constantly asking you whether you’re dating and why you’re still single?  When they stop asking.  When they’re so tired of being inundated with “no” “nope” “not even a little bit” and “are you fucking kidding me?”‘s that they just throw you into the forever alone box and leave it at that.  Who wants to constantly (more…)

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Rain=END OF THE WORLD & Other Things I Learned Living In Los Angeles

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I moved to LA for a lot of reasons. Let’s get right to it, okay? I was on-and-off dating a guy who moved out here, and when I made the announcement that I was also moving out here, pretty much everyone I knew was convinced that I was a desperate pitiful lunatic following his ass – an ass that didn’t even really want me – across the country. Yes folks, my “friends” were SO confident in me that they were taking bets on how long I’d last out here after he cheated on me/kicked me to the curb.  Almost six years later and I’m still here so to them I say: EAT MY ASS, YOU JOYLESS PRICKS.

But were they right? Kind of.  I had wanted to move out of my hometown, Albany, since before I graduated college, but I had no one to do it with me and I was too much of a vagina to do anything about it on my own. I met this dude and fell for him, watched him make the move, visited him a few times, watched my cousin also make the move, and somewhere along the way I decided to do it myself.  Basically, meeting this guy gave me the lady-balls I needed to change my own life.

When I came out here, I thought I had LA mostly figured out.  (more…)

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No, I Will Not Make Out With You

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I know I can be a bitch sometimes.  I’m sorry, I blame it on my cynical outlook on the world and people in general.  Getting made fun of too much as a child?  Whatever it is, I know I can embody the true essence of a megafuckton o’bitch at times.

But as bitchy as I can be, it’s very hard for me to blatantly reject a guy.  I mean, I understand it takes balls and courage and what have you to work up the nerve to ask a girl to go out/hang out/wang out/get a drink/eat a meal/watch a stupid movie/sit on your face/whatever.   Even the least intimidating girl in the universe can seem intimidating when it’s time to lay your dick on the line and hope she doesn’t smack it away.  This is why I will never ask a guy out in my life. I cannot bear the thought of possible rejection.  Or having my dick smacked away.  Call me a pussy, I know I deserve it.

All this being said, if you ask a girl out and she politely says she’s busy or unavailable, and makes no suggestion of rescheduling, you can pretty much take that as a foolproof sign of her disinterest.  Especially if you’ve tried more than once with the same results.  She likes you but isn’t in like with you.  She thinks she should be placing her tulips on someone else’s organ.  She has to wash her hair every night for the rest of her life and you can’t help.  She just ain’t interested, brosef.  It’s not personal.  Or, okay, it is, I guess, but either way, don’t waste your time on the broad.  Seriously, screw her. This should be pretty obvious, yes?

Unfortunately…..no, not always. (more…)

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It Would Be Super If (Some) Men Would Stop Being Giant Pussies

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Also posted at Thought Catalog

I probably should have taken a quaalude or something before I started writing this, because it’s a topic that fires my ass right up.  After seeing a few girlfriends of mine now get unceremoniously given their walking papers by a boyfriend, who cites the reason of “just not being in love” with them anymore, and having dealt with similar things myself, I feel the need to let you guys in on a little secret: being in love does not equal shooting stars out of your ass day in, day out, every time you come in contact with your girlfriend.  You don’t have to be exploding with passion constantly in her wake.  So many of you seem to be so obsessed with what you might possibly be missing that you fail to appreciate what you have right in front of your face.

There are about a zillion people (scientific number) in the world so yeah, statistically there is a better match for you out there somewhere.  Maybe she’s in New Zealand rolling around with polar bears or something.  There are polar bears in New Zealand, right?  Yeah, I guess not.  My point is, you never are going to be 100% sure if this girl is THE ONE for you.  Sorry, that’s just life.  There’s no light that parts the skies and shines a halo over her dome in the middle of a field of hearts and moonbeams, leaving you with virtually no doubt that she was bestowed upon this earth for the sole purpose of coexisting with you and your bullshit.  Hey, newsflash!  There’s probably a better match for her out there too.  Does that mean you never slow down and put in the work with someone you get along with and DO love, because hey, there just might be some girl out there that hey, just might be better for you?  If you operate in that mindset, you’re literally never going to be satisfied.  “I love you but I’m not in love with you” has got the be the most overworked, overplayed excuse, second only to “it’s not you, it’s me.”

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