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I Don’t Use Humor As A Shield What Are You Talking About

I was not a funny kid, but I always liked comedy.  My cousin and I would get Domino’s and watch Dana Carvey and George Carlin stand up before we were old enough to understand it.  We were drawn to anything that had the potential to amuse us. Our childhoods weren’t all that great, you see!

Back then I was a hideously shy, quiet girl who took everything personally.  I went to a tiny school in a tiny town with a bunch of bored kids.  Bullying was a common pastime, and I was an easy target.  I was too skinny, my ears stuck out, and I never fought back.  I was berated for my looks, for using words that were too big (I carried around a pocket thesaurus for years — the equivalent to putting a kick me sign on my own back), for finishing my tests too fast, and for getting good grades.  This is not a humblebrag – none of that shit gets you liked in school. I had been praised so much for doing well in school by my family that I’d never risk disappointing them by slacking off, but I wanted desperately to be liked and accepted by my peers. (more…)

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Pop Tarts Just Got Sexy

You've been bad, haven't you?

Who’s a naughty little pop tart?  You are.  mmmmmhmmm

I’ve had a computer since I was roughly 10.  I used to write all the time, and while a lot of the evidence has been lost over the years, plenty of stuff is still in existence on my current computer.  Examples include AIM conversations from high school, all the way through college (if you’re a boy and we talked a lot, I have so many conversations saved between us still – horrible, horrible conversations), diary entries of sorts, and stunning papers I wrote in college.  I’m going to share one of my crowning achievements with you now.  I wrote the following for Freshman Comp on 9/12/2001 at SUNY New Paltz, one day after 9/11.  Let this be a lesson to everyone that a national disaster can do some weird things to your creative output levels.  Judging by whatever this is, I’m guessing the assignment was to try to induce a boner while describing food packaging.  Here is the completely unedited version of what I came up with: (more…)

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My Father, My Aunt & What Their Deaths Taught Me

Christmas - Dad, Mom & I

Dad, Mom & me – Christmas at some point when I was still a tiny, Asian child

 

My dad passed away in 1993, when I had just turned 10 years old.  His sister, also obviously my aunt, passed away this past weekend.  Both of them died as a result of their own actions.  In my father’s case, it was intentional.  In my aunt’s, years of substance and alcohol abuse had only one exit option – whether she clearly intended for it to happen at the time it did or not, she knew she was slowly killing herself. (more…)

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The Pop Up

the pop up text

 

Women: I’m not going to ask you if this sounds familiar, because I already know it does.

You’re going about your merry business, your phone buzzes and, thinking nothing of it, you glance at it and a name pops up that throws your brain on its ass.  The name of a person with whom you shared some sort of history with, but is no longer a regular part of your life.  Maybe things ended fine, maybe they ended a little ???, or maybe they ended downright terribly.

Regardless of where things were left, their name popping up incites a dizzying mixture of surprise/excitement/nausea/despair/elation/fury/spastic eroticism/heartburn and before you even attempt to formulate a response, you start a new text to one of your friends saying, “GUESS WHO JUST FUCKIN TEXTED ME.” (more…)

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James Beach Tacos AKA “I Love You, Man” Tacos: Reviewed

WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

One of my friends from college recently made the big move to Los Angeles, and she’s basically become my hetero life partner.  She lives only a couple miles away, she’s one of my few single friends who’s always available for activities (yes, we ARE building bunk beds so we have more room), and she’s cool and smart and funny and shit.  What up, Cate? I just raved about you on the internet.  Congrats.

Cate, excited about coming to the land of supposedly great Mexican food and eager to shove her face into it, (more…)