I’ve had a computer since I was roughly 10. I used to write all the time, and while a lot of the evidence has been lost over the years, plenty of stuff is still in existence on my current computer. Examples include AIM conversations from high school, all the way through college (if you’re a boy and we talked a lot, I have so many conversations saved between us still – horrible, horrible conversations), diary entries of sorts, and stunning papers I wrote in college. I’m going to share one of my crowning achievements with you now. I wrote the following for Freshman Comp on 9/12/2001 at SUNY New Paltz, one day after 9/11. Let this be a lesson to everyone that a national disaster can do some weird things to your creative output levels. Judging by whatever this is, I’m guessing the assignment was to try to induce a boner while describing food packaging. Here is the completely unedited version of what I came up with:
Deliciously juicy, vibrant red spills suggestively across the white background of the fourteen point seven ounce box. The word “Pop Tarts” is scrawled unevenly in lower-case letters that overlap each other across the front, placed in such a way that it seems to bump up and down, almost bouncing off of its cardboard restriction. At the lower left, enclosed in a bright red, irregularly angled square, sits the number eight, proclaiming the amount of treats waiting inside for consumption. Plump pieces of ripe, creviced strawberries topped with healthy green leaves dance across the lower part, indicative of the flavor. A morsel of the fresh pastry pokes up from the bottom as well, laden generously with bright, angular sprinkles which range in color from red to yellow to green to orange. The colorful conglomeration rests delicately on a white cloud of frosting, which is spread smoothly in a thick layer across the toasted brown foundation. A cross section of the filling is a shocking red streak slicing through the center. A Smuckers insignia placed in the upper right-hand corner promises real fruit. Separated from this only by a floating strawberry placed upside-down, the word Kellogg’s is branded in the same bold, tempting red as the glistening filling on the opposite side, declaring the manufacturer. The overall image portrayed is an enticing representation of the fruit filled pastries.
The only time anyone should be talking about glistening fillings is never. Ooh baby, how do you guys feel about unevenly scrawled fonts bouncing off of boxes? What about toasted brown foundations slathered in white clouds of frosting? However you feel, it’s not nearly as good as I felt 14 years ago when I was sitting in what was obviously a candlelit bubble bath typing out actual food porn. How uncomfortable was the professor who had to grade this cringefest? I should send that woman a formal letter of apology. That is the most erotic shit you’ll ever see written about a pastry box in your life. You are welcome.