Women: I’m not going to ask you if this sounds familiar, because I already know it does.
You’re going about your merry business, your phone buzzes and, thinking nothing of it, you glance at it and a name pops up that throws your brain on its ass. The name of a person with whom you shared some sort of history with, but is no longer a regular part of your life. Maybe things ended fine, maybe they ended a little ???, or maybe they ended downright terribly.
Regardless of where things were left, their name popping up incites a dizzying mixture of surprise/excitement/nausea/despair/elation/fury/spastic eroticism/heartburn and before you even attempt to formulate a response, you start a new text to one of your friends saying, “GUESS WHO JUST FUCKIN TEXTED ME.”
The pop up, my friends.
Guys, you have an incredible knack for jumping up out of nowhere to throw yourself back into the brains of former flames.
You might not mean it. A random neuron in your brain fired that made you think of us and you thought “I’m going to say hi to her” or “I’m going to ask her how she’s been because I haven’t talked to her in a year and I used to hang out inside of her sometimes so why not.” Or maybe some song made you think of us and your heart smiled and you felt compelled to let us know that.
Or maybe you know exactly what you’re doing. (But probably not.)
Do you see how exhausting it is to be a woman?
A girl texts you out of the blue and the only thought in your head is “Oh. Dis bitch just texted me. Probably wants that d.”
You text us and the thoughts in our head range from, “Oh my god what does he want? Does he think I still want that d?” to “What the fuck does he mean by how am I? I’ll tell him how the fuck I am. Better without you is how I am, motherfucker” to “Shit I think I do want that d, I hope he wants to bone again” to “Someone find an exorcist and get them to my house immediately” to “Dammit I just stopped stalking your Instagram 2 weeks ago, and now let me pull it up again. Who’s THAT bitch?” to “I hope you die violently” to flat out hurling our phones into an active volcano.
In conclusion, bitches just be stayin crazy so have a seat and get used to it.