Awhile back, I had a friend who did a lot of research on how to snag a man. This girl was on the hunt for a husband, and she was reading books on how to find good men and what sort of trickery to employ to get one to commit and become her “one.” My initial response was to roll my eyes out of my skull, tell her that all the books in the world aren’t going to make the perfect match materialize and that she only really needs to be herself at all times. While she may never find a man doing that, if she does, at least she knows he loves her for who she is. But then I looked at all the no boyfriends I had, and thought well hey. Maybe I should shut my know-it-all mouth and see what these books are saying.
I didn’t read any of the books, but I did ask her what ideas she was going to experiment with based on her findings. The one that stuck in my brain is that she instituted a “no sleeping with a guy until commitment” rule. I was incredulous. You’re going to wait until he commits to you to find out if you’re sexually compatible? But…what if he commits and then you sleep together and it’s a fucking disaster? Then you’re the dick who broke it off because he couldn’t break you off! I know there are people out there who actually wait until marriage to have sex, and that’s another thing I can’t wrap my brain around. Sexual chemistry is a thing, and it’s an important one. If you’re doing it for religious reasons or because of some personal belief system, fine, that’s great, but if you’re waiting because you think a guy isn’t going to go anywhere as a result of you making him wait for sex, I’m not sure I’m on board.
But then hey, maybe sleeping with guys too quickly does pose a problem…? Follow me while I ramble out my thought process for a minute. Personally, I’ve never been one to get down on the first night, and 95% of my dates have not gone past date number 1, but if I’m getting along well enough with someone that we’re seeing each other for a while, what the hell am I waiting for? We’re consenting adults, we’re feeling each other enough to hang out repeatedly, might as well go for it and see if it’s a good time or not, right? He’s not going to run just because he got in my pants, is he? Maybe so, but the kind of guy who would do that probably wouldn’t have stuck around if I played the make him wait game to begin with, because he likely just wants no strings attached fun. Right?
I just find it kind of silly to set up some specific hurdle to clear, like a “we have to go on x number of dates or for x number of months before he gets the goods!” rule, because what does that mean anyways? He can still disappear after date 16. He can still commit to you and then sleep with you and then decide it wasn’t worth it and bounce that dick on out of there. If you like someone and you’re ready for a commitment, whether you got it on early in the courtship or later down the line, is it really going to make that much of a difference?
And god, it’s fucking annoying that women have to even stop to consider gaming the system using their vagina as a chess piece to begin with. There is a complete double standard about how a girl is judged versus a guy on fuck time situations, and I’m not even going to begin word vomiting on how to change this (mostly because I have no idea), but it is a fact. Women can be perceived as easy just for making the choice to sleep with a person “too quickly” depending on what sort of subjective timeline some person has in mind for them.
MY WHOLE POINT IS — if a guy is going to completely write you off because you didn’t make him wait for a specific commitment speech or 3 months or whatever the fuck, is he worth it anyway? My instinct is to say no, but maybe I’m just telling myself that.
Getting back to the girl who I mentioned earlier, her argument was that sex can cloud things and that if you’re spending a lot of time getting to know each other without the physical aspect distracting things and throwing them off course, you can determine whether or not they’re even WORTH sleeping with. And you know, I can’t argue that point. It’s a good one! It’s surely a hell of a lot more of a meaningful experience if you do make it that far. But it also feels a bit to me like you’re holding sex over someone’s head as some sort of prize to be won. Hey, if you keep this up and we’re really getting along, eventually you’ll get this prize: It’s my ass.
From what I remember, she did try this experiment with at least one guy, and the guy did stick around for awhile, but their relationship was rocky the whole time even without the sex. Hello anticlimactic story.
I ain’t got the answers, Sway. I haven’t tried this experiment myself, but my inclination is to think that whether it’s date 3 or date 33, and whether you feel like a person likes you or doesn’t, your appointment time on the screw calendar probably isn’t going to be the determining factor in most situations. If the person is a good match for you, hopefully they’re not judging you solely on whether or not you had sex with them at the appropriate point on some arbitrary timeline.
Balls are weird. How do you just have those things slapping at your thighs when you walk? Come on.