Juice Cleanse Day 1: This Is Entirely Too Much Juice

In case you missed my post Monday explaining why I’m doing this to myself, click here.

When the Pressed Juicery delivery person showed up and placed the first box of juices at my door at 3:30am, I was awake to hear it.  My dog had woken me up moments prior to vomit on the floor.  Archer is sympathy barfing the start of this experience.

For the last four days, I’ve been polluting my body with alcohol and nutritionally bankrupt foods.  From my birthday celebration on Friday to the Bey/Jay concert I went to on Sunday, watching what I eat/drink has been sliced off of my priority list and set on fire.  So I’m already doing this all wrong.  According to all the juice cleanse “how to do this without dying” material I read on the internet, you’re supposed to slowly ease yourself into a cleanse by eating healthy, light foods and drinking a lot of water for at least three days prior.  That just didn’t happen at all.

pressed juicery juice cleanse

The box contains 6 different 16 ounce juices (that’s 96 ounces you’re expected to consume in a day, kids!), which you’re advised to drink every two hours.  My first one wouldn’t be until 10AM when I arrived to work, which, in retrospect, turned out to be a mistake.

Juice #1 Ingredients:
Kale
Spinach
Romaine
Parsley (why?)
Cucumber
Celery
Apple
Lemon

Let me tell you how I feel about celery: terrible.  I hate celery.  Celery is disgusting.  Douse it in blue cheese and serve it with wings and I’m still not into it.  So naturally, when I open juice #1, the first smell that slaps me in the face is celery.  And guess what it tastes like?  Celery.  Overwhelmingly.  Celery is kicking every other ingredient’s ass and it’s stomping its shitty flavor onto my taste buds.  Drinking this is actually making my stomach do flips.  Fuck this sweetened celery water.

The magnitude of how challenging this is really going to be just popped out of a cake (I love you, cake) and gave me a sad lap dance.

Juice #2 Ingredients:
Pineapple
Apple
Lemon
Mint

Here’s what happens when you combine lemon with fruit and throw in some mint: the flavor from the lemon and the flavor from the fruit cancel each other out and all that remains is some unidentifiable, sweet and vaguely citrus taste…with a mint finish.  It’s better than the celery water, but it’s overly sweet and just…odd.  Three quarters of a way through this one, I’m starting to feel nauseous.  And is that a headache?  Cool.  You’re here, too, heartburn?  Yes, this is going swell already.

Juice #3 Ingredients:
Kale
Spinach
Romaine
Parsley
Cucumber
Celery!!!
Apple
Lemon
Ginger

The above list is bullshit.  All that’s in here is celery.  So, you ever feel like you’re swimming in your own head?  It’s like my brain is floating inside of my skull.  I can’t attribute this to hunger, because my eating schedule is regularly a hot mess and I don’t eat much until nighttime anyways.  Also, I do not feel hungry.  Is this happening because of all the sugar from the fruit?  Naturally derived sugar is still sugar.

It’s 5PM and all I’ve done today is drink juice.  I might have worked, I might have been writing this post all day, but it doesn’t matter, because all that’s truly happened is juice.

 Juice #4 Ingredients:
Beet
Apple
Lemon
Ginger

I’ve never had a beet in my life; a fact I’ve never lost any sleep over.  I will say this: I do appreciate the departure in color from the swamp green and murky yellow juices I’ve had so far to this beet red.   It actually doesn’t taste bad, but all the acid in these things is really dicking with my old lady esophagus.  My head is also killing me, and at this point I’m definitely pointing the finger at all the sugar in these things for that.

It has become apparent that I spaced this out all wrong, and starting at 10AM was too late.  I’m just cracking this juice open at 7PM and I still have 2 more after this.  At this rate, I will be up until 2AM getting drunk on liquid salad.

Juice #5 Ingredients:
Cucumber
Pineapple
Lemon
Coconut Water
Aloe Vera

This stuff tastes like someone soaked a bunch of leafy greens in water, wrung out all the juice and threw it in a bottle.  Its only redeeming quality is that it’s not sweet.  I can’t handle anymore sugar.  I am also hungry now.

I have mac & cheese in my pantry.

Juice #6 Ingredients:
Almonds
Dates
Vanilla Bean
Sea Salt

Compared to the others, this tastes magical.  It’s a thick milk consistency, and although I’m not a fan of the dates, I can overlook it at this point.  Problem is, now I feel weirdly full and hungry at the same time.  That’s new!

Initially I was planning on doing this for 5 days, but between the headache, the intermittent nausea, the heartburn, and overall feeling not right, I might revise it down to 3.  Dealing with hunger is one thing, but I didn’t sign up for this other stuff.

Okay!  Now that all the juices have been described, the follow up posts on my progress will be much shorter.  Man, I feel terrible!

 


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