You know the guy.
For those of you who know me as the lazy piece of crap I am now, you might be surprised to know that I was a very motivated and creative youth. I voraciously consumed every Berenstain Bear, Clifford the Big Red Dog, and eventually, as a pre-teen, Nancy Drew, Babysitter’s Club and Sweet Valley High Book I could read – along with random terrifying and graphic sci-fi books my dad left around. Then I started writing my own stories. It got to the point that I eventually wrote my own “book series” called The Modern Young Women Series (trying to sound cool and sadly, not quite getting it yet), which was shamelessly modeled off of The Babysitter’s Club books. I wrote so much that eventually my electric typewriter was not enough for me, and I lusted for a shiny new computer of my very own.
At the tender age of 11-12 years old my wish came true, and along with my Macintosh Performa, I was somehow granted completely unrestricted and unsupervised internet access. Not knowing what the fuck the internet was at the time or what I was supposed to do on it, I ended up on websites dedicated to the only thing I really thought a lot about at the time: Michael Jackson. After a few years of familiarizing myself with the interweb and a dizzying amount of fan-run websites, in the heyday of build-your-own-site platforms like Angelfire and Geocities, I figured I’d try my hand at making my own. After teaching myself some very basic HTML, my Michael Jackson website was born. I can’t remember much about it, but it looked like a typical homegrown 90’s website, and it had MIDI music of one of his songs playing on it.
Ugh, do you remember MIDI music? If you don’t, this will jog your memory. Woof.
Not completely satisfied with my creation for pressing teenage reasons, I abandoned it and moved onto making a site for his little sister, Janet. Man, did I love the Jacksons!
Still feeling artistically unfulfilled, and saddled with way too much fan-site competition, my next project became clear to me with the release of a song I think you’ll recognize as one of the most stunning and provocative musical creations in recent history:
My new website would be dedicated to the thong worshiping blonde haired song siren himself, Sisqo. And this became my most successful internet project to date. What did I call this site? Simply Sisqo, you dumb cow.
I spent a ton of time on this thing, making picture galleries, uploading audio files, typing up lyrics to his thrilling “Unleash the Dragon” album, and writing fucking fan fiction. Did you see that? That was the last bit of dignity I had left, dissipating into the ether. Now before you launch a new browser window and try to find this hot mess, you can’t. If you could, I would not be sharing any of this information with you, because I do have SOME shame. It’s been scrubbed off the internet somehow; the only thing I could find is an old banner.
This site got really popular, to the point some random person offered to redesign the site for me for free. Whoever that poor soul was literally designed an entire website, threw it at me, and disappeared back into the internet. A clear case of a fellow Sisqo lover, doing a solid for a faceless lunatic churning out weird stories about a grown ass man who referred to himself as “The Dragon” with a straight face.
The crowning achievement of this internet masterpiece, though, was when Nokio from Sisqo’s former R&B group, Dru Hill, contacted me, wanting me to make a website for him. We used to AIM chat. About what, I can’t remember. Probably how Sisqo achieved such a vibrant shade of blonde. I want you to take in how ridiculous this is: I was maybe 16 years old playing amateur hour with a website, and some R&B singer with CLEARLY poor management wanted me to make one of my signature Geocities creations for him. I can’t tell you what happened there because my brain must have blocked it out. I think I panicked because the site wasn’t even designed by me, and nothing ever got built.
I have no explanations for what I did, or why I was so infatuated with a clearly homosexual man who sang about butt floss. I was still figuring my life out back then. It was a weird time and I didn’t have many friends. The friends I did have were not informed of my extracurricular activities, because even then, I knew I was doing something bad.
Alright, I’m gonna go now.