9 Valentine’s Day Ideas For Single People (One Involves Monkeys)

vdayJust because you are a single unicorn running wild this Valentine’s Day, you don’t have to be sad that you have no one to feed you chocolate strawberries and shove flowers in your face.  Those things die anyways, just like the love between a couple that has grown to hate each other.   No, there are other things you can do to get through this day without murdering anything, and I’m here, as your resident single & luvin’ it buddy, to share them with you.

1. Get a monkey.  With a monkey destroying your apartment and flinging shit at your walls, you won’t have any time to experience sadness or regret or desperation or any of the other pesky emotions this day can bring up.

2. Buy every flavor of Ben & Jerry’s and rate each one on this scientific scale I have created for you. As the cliche goes, the single and lonely person drowns their feelings in a pint of B’s & J’s.  It’s tired.  Let’s make this a science experiment rather than an exercise in despair.  Clean out the freezer case at Ralph’s/Price Chopper with one of each flavor.  Ignore the sad eyes the grocer is giving you at the checkout.  You are fine!   You might not be spooning a person today, but you are going to be spooning the fuck outta creamy delights.  Not those creamy del…whatever.

  • FLAVOR:
    WERE THERE BROWNIES IN IT?:
    DID YOU LIKE THE BROWNIES?:
    IF THERE WERE NO BROWNIES, DID YOU WISH THERE WERE BROWNIES?:
    DO YOU THINK YOUR DOG WOULD LIKE THIS FLAVOR?:
    DON’T GIVE HIM ANY, DOGS CAN’T EAT ICE CREAM.:
    IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT THIS FLAVOR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?:
    WHAT COULD BEN OR JERRY HAVE DONE BETTER TO MAKE THIS THING WORK OUT?:
    BITTERNESS LEVEL AFTER CONSUMPTION -  PLEASE RATE 1-10:

3. Buy a new furniture item from Ikea, pour yourself a bottle of wine and spend the entire day trying to build it.  You will get drunk and increasingly irate trying to make what’s happening in the instructional pictures  happen in your living room.  There are no words on those things.  If you need help, fuck yourself.  Record the experience and share it with your loved ones via YouTube.  It could make you a star, especially if you injure yourself.

4. Arts & crafts time!  Raid CVS for their finest construction paper, crayons, pens, glitter, glues and antidepressants — you’re making greeting cards!  Yes, greeting cards, and they’re for your coupled off friends congratulating them on their successful relationships.  Great for when you’re happy for someone and want them to know it, but also kind of want them to worry about you.

5.  Hookers exist.  I’m just reminding you.

6. Rosetta Stone.  Maybe the perfect person for you doesn’t speak English.  Maybe s/he speaks Spanish and when s/he comes to whisper sweet nothings in your ear you won’t be able to understand her/him.  Is she telling you to stop staring at her tits like that or is she telling you to touch them?  Is he telling you that he wants to father your children or that he drinks his own urine?  Panic!  Order Rosetta Stone and spend the entire day learning as much of a new language as one can learn in a day, which is barely any!  But it’s some!  Whoa, did you just better yourself?  You did.

7.  Hack OKCupid’s website and replace every picture on there with various species of frogs. 

I made this stupid thing and it only took forever. Click it for full size but it’s just a bunch of fucking frogs.  One is holding a little leaf umbrella, so, maybe you wanna see that.

I made this stupid thing and it only took forever. Click it for full size but it’s just a bunch of fucking frogs. One is holding a little leaf umbrella, so, maybe you wanna see that.

 

Maybe insanity isn’t for you.  Maybe you aren’t a hacker or you can’t afford a monkey this month and you want something a little more realistic.  Your first mistake was coming to this blog for anything other than madness, but fine, here are two:

8.  House of Cards season 2 hits Netflix on this day.  Every other person without dinner/fucking plans will be watching it, so you can too.  Settle on that couch and watch TV for 12 hours.  You won’t be alone on this one.  Well, physically you will be, because you are alone.  In life.  Like, you have nobody.  But you won’t be alone in that other alone people are doing the same alone type shit as you today.  Poetry.

 

9.  Faceplant into a fucking pizza.  It’s just a stupid day.

 

 

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4 Responses to “9 Valentine’s Day Ideas For Single People (One Involves Monkeys)”

  1. Jesse UNo Bennett says:

    Your a poet, scholar and pastor! A true work of (true) sarcastic genius! My next friday shall be soo splendid because of you. #8 made my day. #amped

  2. As always, this made me a bit happier about the fact that I'm single as fuck (but not GETTING fucked necessarily–no no, that would make me a bit happier, too). Andddddd frogs.

  3. Micheal Smith says:

    Where do they sell monkeys in West LA? Oh, and shit remover. I gotta have the shit remover if I'm going to have a monkey:) Very well written!

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