The first time I wrote one of these, I spent a lot of time cringing before hitting the publish button. So I thought to myself, let’s do it all over again!
1. It’s a nice thought, but the act of sex itself does not need to go on for an hour. Trust me, this is not the type of making her “not be able to walk straight” sore that you want to aim for. A better idea: breaking up activity into smaller chunks with breaks in between. Then you can call it a marathon and wow, don’t you sound like the man now?
2. Stop trying to recreate the insanity you are seeing in porn. Porn is shot to look “good.” All that vigorous activity, things slapping around and being forcefully jammed into things, and changing positions every 5 seconds is meant to keep a viewer engaged/engorged. But listen to me and listen to me good, almost none of any of that feels nice. That woman on the screen is not having a great time; she is acting. Those wails and squeaks are out of agony. She wants someone to save her. No one is watching you (hopefully), so stop trying to perform for some invisible audience.
3. Even the prettiest girl has hangups about her body. Whether it’s the first time or the 800th time you’re in fucktown with her, the occasional compliment will be appreciated.
4. About that noise… You know the one. When you force air into something it’s going to come out, and it’s going to make a noise. Sometimes this is straight up unavoidable. Most of us are a lot less than enthused about it and so let’s either pretend it never happened or chuckle quickly, maybe run a lap and shake it off. Moving on.
5. Whoever originally thought up 69ing should be shot. Come on, this looks ridiculous and it doesn’t even feel that great! Mouth things take concentration, and there is just too much shit going on at once here. Not to mention, can you even breathe with an ass on your nose? We are terrified that we’re killing you! No one is going to win this race, okay? How about we take turns and call it a day.
6. While we’re on the topic, if you walk around saying you don’t lick vaginas, it’s time to grow up. I once knew a guy who compared oral sex with a girl to licking a toilet seat. (If you’re reading this, hi. How are you? Holy shit can you believe you said that? What a mistake that was!) If you’re not willing to go downtown then I hope you never expect to get your penis in a lady’s mouth ever. You totally don’t deserve it. One of the hottest things a guy can to is be in love with every inch of a girl, and if you’re acting like that part is ew, do not pass go and do not collect $200. You suck.
7. Don’t be silent, man. You don’t have to hit a high note or anything (please don’t), but if you give us no enforcement we can’t always tell if you’re rating this experience 5/5 or not. Was that a bad analogy? I might Yelp too much. Yelp the site, not like I physically yelp a lot. Jesus, you know what I mean.
8. If you skip foreplay then God should have skipped you. Fact.
9. Don’t assume a girl is off limits during her period. Some are, but some don’t give a shit. It’s respectable if you’d rather not, but if you are simply overwhelmed with raging desire, ask her if she cares. It’s not like it’s a spewing fountain down there (unless she’s really talented!).
10. We know you like some weird stuff. If you’re comfortable enough with a person, you might be surprised at what they’re willing to try out for you. I mean, as long it’s not too weird.
I like how I continue to act like I speak for every female in the universe.
But honestly though, this is all true.