1. Hey, maybe don’t bite my nipple off.
2. Lol dirty talk lol. Some of you can do it well, many of you can only do it hilariously. Know what your talents are…and aren’t.
3. You do realize vaginas are sensitive, right? Maybe you like your dick smacked around, but most of us do not appreciate that treatment on our lady parts. You should never approach a vagina like you’re about to claw the last pickle out of the jar. Are you crazy? Don’t literally beat the pussy up, okay? It’s not cool. If you see our body recoiling, for the love of god, ease up with your hands.
4. It’s a fine art to know when your girl wants to be thrown around like a rag doll, and when she absolutely doesn’t. Please pick up on the signals, or if we look less than enthused, maybe ask how we’re doing.
5. Let me set a scene for you: You are doing some super maneuver you read on AskMen.com or some shit and your girl is screaming yes, twitchy legged and you’re about to call an exorcist about those creepy looking convulsions she’s having. Here’s what apparently goes through your head: “Hey, she likes this a lot. Time to try something else!” WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS THAT? Why would you ever, ever switch gears when a girl is about to bust a lady load? Oh my jesus Christ in heaven. Listen, I don’t care if you’re about to pass out and your entire body has fallen asleep. You remain a frozen sex robot doing what you’ve been doing and you finish that job the right way goddammit.
6. Stop trying to push anal. Just stop. Some girls are cool with it, others aren’t. Begging isn’t making it sound more appealing.
7. I hate to tell you this, but unless there’s something medical going on, if you’re fooling around with a girl and she’s remaining as dry as the Sahara, she is not into this shit at all and she’d probably rather be waiting in line at the DMV than getting plowed by you.
8. Jackhammering. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – no. Rough is good sometimes, but sometimes you need to calm your penis and stop ramming into us like you’re trying to jam us through a wall that seriously pissed you off.
9. If you’re making out so hard and furiously that you are two steps from unhinging your jaw and enveloping my entire head, you should maybe relax a tad. Are you trying to eat my mouth off? Stop, take a deep breath, and ask yourself what you’re doing with your life.
10. We already can’t breathe when our mouths are full of cock, so it’s not a great idea to fuck a girl’s face if she isn’t ready/isn’t into it. That is just plain rude, buddy.
11. And holy shit, don’t push our heads down there. If we’re naked and putting body parts in each other’s mouths we’re obviously past the showing the best manners stage, but no girl appreciates that monstrosity of a move.
12. If you know it’s not gonna happen when a girl is blowing you, we’d appreciate it if you relieve us of this losing battle and let us try something else, rather than you busting a vein in your head as you try to squeeze out a stubborn orgasm while we get teary eyed and sore-throated, choking and sputtering beneath you . This is not fun for either of us.
13. If your go-to move is laying there like a corpse while the girl does everything, maybe sex isn’t for you.
14. When you think about it, sex is a incredibly awkward. It’s flailing bodies, sweat, smacking sounds, contorted faces, fluids pouring out of orifices, crazy noises and the occasional weird smell. So we should probably take a second here and there to laugh at how seriously we take this ridiculous act.
15. Watch where you aim that thing, dude.
Now one of the guys out there should write a response about what men wish women would figure out already. Hahahah. SEX IS FUNNY AND ALSO SOMETHING I SORT OF REMEMBER SOMETIMES OH GOD SO LONELY.
Part 2 here.