I originally wrote most of this for Made Woman. Posted here in no particular order and with a more lewd makeover, as is my way.
If your idea of a romantic first date is at your local Red Lobster, we’re judging you for it. No, we don’t need a fancy 5 star $200 meal. But put a LITTLE creativity and effort into your restaurant of choice. With Yelp in existence, there’s no excuse for such blatant laziness.
If you are lucky enough to get us into bed, please be advised that any mishaps you make are going to be reported to any female friend (and possibly some male friends) who will listen. Know this: We’re worse than you are.
Unfortunately for you, if you’re awesome we probably won’t share any details. You kidding? We’re keeping that shit all to ourselves.
Women love great listeners, indeed it’s true. But if you sit there saying nothing, we’re going to be tempted to check for a pulse. That strong silent type thing doesn’t work for everyone.
At the same time, you should not be talking over us. If you’re cutting us off to tell your own stories and gossip like a schoolgirl, you’ve just become our girlfriend. Congratulations.
If you refuse to go downtown, you sure as hell better not expect us to. Also: get ready to be dumped. By every girl ever.
Yes, we’re emotional creatures. No, you’re not going to understand everything that bothers us. Whether you get it or not, 99% of the time if you tell your woman you understand, try to console her a bit, give her a fucking candy bar or something; she’s going to get over it… for now anyway.
BEHOLD! The answer to all of your problems.
Stop trying to fix everything. Even when we’re ranting so much you want us to crash screaming through the floorboards and plummet straight to hell, most of the time you should just let us get it out. We don’t want you to solve everything always. We know this makes no sense, but just go with it.
Manscaping. Look into it.
Take charge. Don’t be such a vagina.
You have no idea whatsoever how excited a girl will be to get the most random bullshit little gift out of nowhere. It can be a flower you picked as you walked up to the house or a pack of Starburst for all we care. At least fake some effort is what we’re saying.
Understand that we’re super spy turbo crazy Google Facebook Twitter Instagram stalkers. If you’ve got some foul shit lurking on social media/the internet, we are going to find it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it’s gonna happen. So fuck you in advance.
No matter what a vast majority of us say to you about how independent and “not looking for a relationship” we are, if we sleep with you repeatedly it means we’re developing some sort of feelings for you. Stop acting so surprised that we get pissed when after 2 months of sleepovers you want to disappear off the planet. Bail long before that if you aren’t interested, because you’ll end up torturing us and we will, in turn, torture you for your vile transgression.
I shouldn’t even have to say this, but: In an argument when we say “It’s fine”? It’s so not fine that you should just light yourself on fire and call it a day.
Drinking for fun is all well and good, but when we’re having to carry your ass out of a bar and apologize for your actions the next day, you’re going to become the idiot we’re stuck taking care of. We’re going to resent you, and eventually we’re going to smarten up and leave you.
If you’ve been in a relationship for a while and things start getting routine, take it upon yourself to shake things up now and then. This is NOT only the woman’s job. Google magic some ideas, baby!
Even the most cynical, jaded, love-scorned, bitter woman you’ve ever met is hoping for someone to prove her wrong. She’s probably dealt with one too many jackasses and her guard is now steel reinforced. Don’t write her off… just be prepared to have to put in some work. Hey, if she’s worth it, she’s worth it.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP JACKHAMMERING.
Don’t spray cologne/put deodorant on your balls. Do you have any idea what that tastes like? Fuck.
We put a lot of time, money and effort into looking good. Never underestimate the power of a sincere compliment.
If you’re trying your face off and your woman is treating you like dirt, there are tons of others out there tripping over themselves to find a good man like you. Don’t waste your time on trash or the utterly impossible. You deserve love and admiration just as much as we do – don’t settle for less.
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