No, I Will Not Make Out With You

I know I can be a bitch sometimes.  I’m sorry, I blame it on my cynical outlook on the world and people in general.  Getting made fun of too much as a child?  Whatever it is, I know I can embody the true essence of a megafuckton o’bitch at times.

But as bitchy as I can be, it’s very hard for me to blatantly reject a guy.  I mean, I understand it takes balls and courage and what have you to work up the nerve to ask a girl to go out/hang out/wang out/get a drink/eat a meal/watch a stupid movie/sit on your face/whatever.   Even the least intimidating girl in the universe can seem intimidating when it’s time to lay your dick on the line and hope she doesn’t smack it away.  This is why I will never ask a guy out in my life. I cannot bear the thought of possible rejection.  Or having my dick smacked away.  Call me a pussy, I know I deserve it.

All this being said, if you ask a girl out and she politely says she’s busy or unavailable, and makes no suggestion of rescheduling, you can pretty much take that as a foolproof sign of her disinterest.  Especially if you’ve tried more than once with the same results.  She likes you but isn’t in like with you.  She thinks she should be placing her tulips on someone else’s organ.  She has to wash her hair every night for the rest of her life and you can’t help.  She just ain’t interested, brosef.  It’s not personal.  Or, okay, it is, I guess, but either way, don’t waste your time on the broad.  Seriously, screw her. This should be pretty obvious, yes?

Unfortunately…..no, not always.  I have literally been baffled by select behaviors I’ve personally encountered from some guys who refuse to take a hint.

• Case 1:

  This guy routinely texts me and asks me to hang out… over the course of the last several YEARS.  I used to make up an excuse, and after awhile I finally flat out stopped answering him.  I mean, can’t give a bigger hint than that, right?  Wrong.  He doesn’t stop.  HE NEVER STOPS.  Because texting clearly doesn’t work, he also sends me private Facebook messages.  Which I also no longer respond to.  He says the same things, over and over: “Can we get a drink?” “Let’s hang out!”  “We need to do something!”   I don’t even feel bad anymore.  If you have the gall to keep asking someone out who’s a big enough asshole to greet you with radio silence for years (yes, I am calling myself an asshole), you should probably page through Dating for Dummies because you are doing it all wrong.  Have some self-respect for cripes sake.

• Case 2:

  This dude randomly texts me asking me to make out.  I respond by laughing it off and changing the subject, and he presses on about making out.  “But seriously, let’s make out. “ “Hahah, what.  I’m think I’m a lesbian now.” “I’m not kidding.”  “I’m not either.”

• Case 3:

  My neighbor, who I gave my number to out of politeness because…hello, awkward, saying he can’t have it when I have to keep seeing him all the time.  The texts began nearly immediately, which started off innocently enough and then progressed to repeated attempts to bring alcohol to my apartment.  I’d flat out say, “No.”  Period.  Clear enough, right?  I guess not, because the texts keep coming.

I’m well aware that I’m socially retarded quite often and don’t always handle situations with the opposite sex particularly well.  What can I say?  Flat out telling a guy, “Hey, I’m not interested in you” feels extremely presumptuous to me and makes me feel like I’m basically saying I think everyone that looks my way is in love with me.   I know this logic is beyond flawed, but that’s just how it feels.  After all, these guys really could just want a friend.

“Bitch, I’m just texting you 500 times cuz I’m bored and feel sorry for you because you have no life at all, I do not even LIKE YOU.”

I’m not here to try to make things awkward, and I also don’t like hurting feelings or embarrassing anyone, or any of that uncomfortableness.  Is it wrong of me to think that making constant excuses or giving short answers or flat out refusing advances is enough to get the point across?  I guess so.  Maybe I need to grow some serious lady balls and learn to blatantly reject the fuck out of some people.

But also, maybe certain guys can go ahead and learn how to take a fucking hint?