Pet names that make me homicidal

I really, really can’t stand pet names. I’m not sure what it is about hearing someone call their significant other these names that makes me want to spear myself with a trident, but whatever it is, the force is strong. Maybe it’s partially due to the sickening baby voice that the words are delivered in, but the words themselves are painful regardless. Some tend to offend me more than others, and I know you’re just dying to hear which ones, so here they are, in no particular order….

Honey. Or even worse, hon. This also includes honeybunch, honeybun, honeybunny. This pet names makes me want to vomit. I get it, honey’s sweet and so is your lovergooblygoogooloveyouwubblewee! Honey is also the color of piss. And your soul. Your soul is covered in urine. Everytime you say it I take a metaphorical piss on your entire being.

Babe. I don’t know what it is, but all I can think of is white trash in a trailer park screaming something along the lines of, “HEY BABE! GET YER TITS OVER HERE” when I hear the word. I picture torn wifebeaters, missing teeth, smelly armpits and dead dreams. No.

Darling. Do we live in 1925? Darling should only be used when addressing someone from old times, like Gertrude or Beatrice. Or not at all. Yes, preferably, not at all.

Pumpkin. There’s absolutely nothing cute about a pumpkin. It’s orange and it’s filled with moist seeds (gag that may be the single worst phrase I’ve ever said. moist seeds. 🙁 ) and stringy mushy smelly guts.

How is this flattering or remotely cute? I carved a pumpkin for the first time ever last Halloween and I had to fight my gag reflex scooping out the innards. I also fight that gag reflex anytime someone calls someone pumpkin. It’s digusting, and so are you for using it.

Lover. Lover. It’s a terrible word, just saying it makes me want to punch myself in the face. It’s pretentious and gross and god stop it. Please. Everytime the word is said I think of the hilariously obnoxious way Will Ferrell said it in that ongoing “luvah!” skit he had with Rachel Dratch on SNL. There’s literally no way to say it sexily, despite the fact that the word itself is trying so hard to be sexy. It’s a fail on all counts and I hate you.

Boo. Unless you’re calling me boo ironically and purposely trying to be an asshole, this word does the complete opposite of make me feel like a grown up. Boo is a noise a child makes because it can’t form an entire word yet. It’s like you’ve given up. Put some thought into the words you’re calling me. Dick.

Daddy/Mommy. Seriously, this is taking Freudian complexes to another level. Do you want to fuck your parents? Then what are you doing using a baby voice and calling your girlfriend mommy? Mami. Whatever. It’s ALL BAD. This is some twisted shit and everyone seems cool with it. Yes, I realize baby has a certain creep factor as well when you go by this logic, but well. It bothers me less. You figure out why, you’re the scientist here.

K bye!



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