The Brand of (Queen) Bey

Originally posted at MadeWomanMag.com

After a 15+ year career, Beyonce has left only one question about her abilities as an entertainer and artist: Is there anything she can’t do? She puts everything she has into all that she does, from her music to her performances to her clothing line to her fragrances to her picture perfect family. With the recent birth of her baby, Beyonce can add another accomplishment to her resume: being a mom. Seriously, Webster’s should just stick a picture of Beyonce’s face next to the word BOSS in the dictionary.

Despite constantly being in the public eye, Beyonce is just as notorious for her privacy as she is for her career. She kept her relationship with Jay-Z totally under wraps for years, and even managed to pull off a wedding without so much as a leaked picture of a tablecloth from the ceremony. But since Beyonce got pregnant, we’re seeing a little more of her private life. She made a very public announcement of her impending bundle of joy by revealing her bump on stage at the MTV Awards, and while she never revealed a due date or confirmed her baby’s sex, she did reveal her name soon after birth and even shared some pics of the little Blue shortly after returning home. And now Beyonce is giving us even more of a glimpse into her world with the launch of her Tumblr account. She chose to reveal pictures from her personal collection, including some with her equally Boss husband, her sister, and her nephew. She even included a couple videos, with a highlight being the one where she stood barefoot and pregnant in front of a tree and said it was a blue ivy.

Clearly, everything that Beyonce does is carefully strategized and has a specific purpose for her brand; and with this Tumblr, it’s clear she is trying to give her ravenous fans a little more of a taste of Beyonce, the human being – not Bey the part-human-part-R&B-demigod we see on the stage all the time. And obviously, we can’t get enough. Her MTV Awards reveal garnered her Twitter’s top tweets-per-second record and we can only imagine what kind of crazy traffic her new Tumblr is getting. The site says she will continue to share pictures via the blog. And really, since she is so famously private, it feels a lot like getting a look behind the Great and Powerful Oz’s curtain or something. I gotta hand it to Bey (…again…), she made this choice to share some things with the public, and she’s doing it on her damn terms and as she damn well pleases. Shocker – Beyonce wins again.

It’s being said that her four year anniversary with Jay (which was April 4) spurred her to do this. Whatever the reason, I think it’s a great move. She’s so larger than life – it’s easy to forget she is an actual person, not some perfect singing, dancing cyborg. Getting a little peek into the world she lives in off the stage is pretty cool. It will be interesting to see if this means another evolution of the brand of Beyonce. Motherhood softening you up, Bey? Keep it coming – we love it!

Dear Rihanna – WTF.

Originally published on MadeWomanMag.com

Dearest Rihanna,

OK, your name is on everyone’s lips these days – which was obviously the goal here. You’re so popular right now that you have everyone from Billboard.com to…well, me, writing you letters. And really, can you blame us all for clamoring to talk some sense into you? After watching you subliminally tweet love/relationship mumbo-jumbo to your ex, Chris Brown, the past few months and then “randomly” show up at the same spots as him, even though he “has a girlfriend” we knew something was up. And then boom. Your birthday hits and you and Chris drop a sex-charged remix to Birthday Cake and Turn Up The Music. Girl. Oh girl. I know you love to flaunt that #IDGAF attitude and make your own rules, but let’s just stop and talk it out for a second.

It’s one thing for you to be cool with Chris. Hell, it’s really not ANY of our business if you guys are behind the scenes messing around again… that’s your life. *Side eye* Hell, we might have even just given a Kanye shrug if you chose to collaborate with him again… on a “Can’t we all get along/ Heal the world/ Kumbaya” type of song. But the subject matter and lyrics you two specifically chose on these two little musical gems have left us a bit flabbergasted. Featuring lyrics from him like, “It’s been a long time, I been missing your body…” and from you like, “remember how you did it? If you still wanna kiss it, come and get it” on Birthday Cake and then seemingly outta freakin nowhere singing “I love you baby” in the middle of the frenzied dance remix of Turn Up The Music… I just can’t. While I happen to think that both songs are actually pretty good, they probably shoulda stayed in the private stash. In my opinion, you’re just being irresponsible right now.

I know I know. You never asked to be a role model. You literally just turned 24. You’re young, you’re beautiful, you’re talented, you’re in the spotlight. And you happen to have been a victim of domestic abuse at the hands of someone you loved a whole hell of a lot. As blessed as you are, that’s really a lot to handle in front of a ravenous (maybe insatiable?) audience. And we know the statistics. Women who have been abused often stay in these toxic relationships way too long. But you’re doing it on a worldwide stage. Remember that 20/20 interview you did post-incident where you said you couldn’t live with the thought of young girls looking up to you and thinking it’s okay to go back to someone who abused them because you did? What happened to that? I can’t judge you for your struggle with still loving this dude. But to rub your lack of tenacity and strength in our faces with this over the top Birthday Cake Remix? Kind of a slap in the face. Those young girls are still there, obsessing over your every move. And here you are talking about banging your ex who beat the crap out of you a few years ago. It’s one thing to forgive and move on…. It’s quite another to be so reckless with the message you’re sending to the masses. You didn’t NEED to throw this remix out there to show us you do whoever whatever the hell you want. What are you trying to prove, exactly?

Whether this is some marketing ploy cooked up by the powers that be who run your careers to generate drama/headlines or two young lovebirds trying to have fun and throw their middle fingers up to the world, it’s left a lot of people mighty disappointed. Abuse is a serious matter. That man could have killed you. Like it or not, people do not forget this stuff. And a part of being famous is having your every move scrutinized. #TeamBreezy and #RihannaNavy are groups of notoriously young, impressionable, obsessive fans, and a part of the package you signed up for was to be a sort of role model to them. The subject matter of your music makes it pretty clear you’re not interested in showing young girls a prim and proper way to live – BUT collaborating on a sex song with your abusive ex is a whole other level of WTF. All this being said, I think the vast majority of people are going to let it slide this time. Some are even cheering for you to rekindle the old flame for real. But with your talent, beauty, and style you don’t need to do crap like this to sell records and get attention. More than a “Rude Girl,” audiences are looking for a woman who can learn from her past and become a stronger person. (See Adele.) We know celebs are humans with their own faults and everyone makes mistakes. You don’t have to answer to us on that. But when it comes to what you’re filling the airwaves with? Try a little less “F#*$ YOU!” and a little more “I have a good head on my shoulders” and you will not only get more record sales, you’ll get more respect.

Sincerely,

A conflicted member of the #RihannaNavy

Pet names that make me homicidal

I really, really can’t stand pet names. I’m not sure what it is about hearing someone call their significant other these names that makes me want to spear myself with a trident, but whatever it is, the force is strong. Maybe it’s partially due to the sickening baby voice that the words are delivered in, but the words themselves are painful regardless. Some tend to offend me more than others, and I know you’re just dying to hear which ones, so here they are, in no particular order….

Honey. Or even worse, hon. This also includes honeybunch, honeybun, honeybunny. This pet names makes me want to vomit. I get it, honey’s sweet and so is your lovergooblygoogooloveyouwubblewee! Honey is also the color of piss. And your soul. Your soul is covered in urine. Everytime you say it I take a metaphorical piss on your entire being.

Babe. I don’t know what it is, but all I can think of is white trash in a trailer park screaming something along the lines of, “HEY BABE! GET YER TITS OVER HERE” when I hear the word. I picture torn wifebeaters, missing teeth, smelly armpits and dead dreams. No.

Darling. Do we live in 1925? Darling should only be used when addressing someone from old times, like Gertrude or Beatrice. Or not at all. Yes, preferably, not at all.

Pumpkin. There’s absolutely nothing cute about a pumpkin. It’s orange and it’s filled with moist seeds (gag that may be the single worst phrase I’ve ever said. moist seeds. ) and stringy mushy smelly guts.

How is this flattering or remotely cute? I carved a pumpkin for the first time ever last Halloween and I had to fight my gag reflex scooping out the innards. I also fight that gag reflex anytime someone calls someone pumpkin. It’s digusting, and so are you for using it.

Lover. Lover. It’s a terrible word, just saying it makes me want to punch myself in the face. It’s pretentious and gross and god stop it. Please. Everytime the word is said I think of the hilariously obnoxious way Will Ferrell said it in that ongoing “luvah!” skit he had with Rachel Dratch on SNL. There’s literally no way to say it sexily, despite the fact that the word itself is trying so hard to be sexy. It’s a fail on all counts and I hate you.

Boo. Unless you’re calling me boo ironically and purposely trying to be an asshole, this word does the complete opposite of make me feel like a grown up. Boo is a noise a child makes because it can’t form an entire word yet. It’s like you’ve given up. Put some thought into the words you’re calling me. Dick.

Daddy/Mommy. Seriously, this is taking Freudian complexes to another level. Do you want to fuck your parents? Then what are you doing using a baby voice and calling your girlfriend mommy? Mami. Whatever. It’s ALL BAD. This is some twisted shit and everyone seems cool with it. Yes, I realize baby has a certain creep factor as well when you go by this logic, but well. It bothers me less. You figure out why, you’re the scientist here.

K bye!

Gettin serious on you now

We humans are so very unhappy. Regardless of the stage we may be in life, we always have something to complain about that keeps us from truly enjoying the stage of being that we’re currently in. In one sense, I guess that keeps us always moving forward, motivated to go to the next level. But on the other hand, it also keeps us from ever fucking enjoying anything.

I have a hell of a list of grievances. I’m not where I want to be career-wise, not sure I am living in the right place, approaching 30 and no stable relationship to speak of for the past several years, not making nearly enough money, blah blah ad nauseum. So I usually look at people who possess one or more of these things and think, “they must be more satisfied than I am.” It’s dismaying how often this seems to be exactly the opposite of the truth.

An engaged girlfriend of mine is unhappy with her job, and when I say, “yeah, but… hey, at least you’re on the right track in your relationship, right?”, she’ll heave a sigh and say “sure but I hate my job so much!!” Another friend who recently got a better job and a raise isn’t doing so well in her love life, and I’ll be like “true, but you’re movin on up! When you focus on that, it doesn’t seem so bad….right?” And she’ll heave a sigh and be like “sure but God I’m not getting any younger and I’m so tired of these meaningless dates.” You’re not making me feel any better, ladies. Do we ever allow ourselves to feel happy about anything? I used to think I had some kind of problem, listening to people point out all the good in my life and telling me to quit bellyaching about not achieving this goal or that goal according to this timeline I had set up in my head. I thought it was my own personal flaw, and that everyone was happy but me. The more I stop and take a look around, I realize this is a shared problem.

I mean I get it. We all have this concept of happiness that usually equates with everything needing to be just so – this idealized version of how our lives should be. And we feel like we’re not going to be truly happy until we get there. We can overlook all the great shit we have going for ourselves and be heaving that sigh and going , “yeah, but…”

Do we ever stop and take the time to enjoy, be happy about…anything?

Will this help?

Funny things for that ass

Inspired by my own damn self and my article over at Made Woman Magazine about comedians, I decided to sit here and find YouTube videos of some of my favorite comedians saying funny things.

Because they’re funny.

Do you hate Dane Cook? Get right out of town. I’m so tired of people shitting on Dane. Yes, okay, he can be overzealous and seems like he’d be the type of guy to eat his own ass if he could, but so what?

In this clip, he’s talking about hooking up with someone for the first time and how a guy will try his damndest to slip in unnoticed without a damn condom. It’s the truest thing ever, you men all do everything he describes in this, and that’s why you have herpes.

“Feels like I hate you.”

I’m really late on the Louis CK train but I’m glad I hopped on. Like what I did there? In this one he’s talking about how we’re all useless ungrateful spoiled pieces of shit in this world. Basically.

“Give it a second! It’s going to space!”

Daniel Tosh is a god amongst men. A mean, blunt god. In this one he’s talking about how empty and souless women with plastic surgery are.

“You got big titties top shelf, small titties? mmm..beer in a can.” Fuck you, Daniel. Fuck you and your beer.

And George Carlin making a complete mockery out of religion. When you look at it this way…… yeah, it all sounds pretty fucking stupid. Seriously, regardless of your thoughts on religion, this is some intelligent, hilarious stuff.

“You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci.” RIP George. You were a freakin genius.

If you haven’t seen this entire Chris Rock special, watch it immediately. It will change your life. For like an hour.

OK, bye.

I fold.

omgz baby jayoncebey-zruleroftheuniverse!

No, I’m not late to the party. I was right there practically mounting my TV screen during the MTV VMA’s when Beyonce dropped that microphone and rubbed that belly, signifying the apocalypse. Or, ya know, that she’s finally pregnant. In all honesty, my reaction to that moment was a little ridiculous. The level of joy I felt watching the fiercest baby announcement ever, along with seeing Jay-Z and Kanye West triumphantly pissing themselves in happiness – you’d think it was the second coming of Jesus. The funny thing is, I’ve seen a lot of people reacting the same way. And then still others going, “Why the hell is everyone so concerned about this?” I’ll tell you why.

(They’re both covered in urine!)

I am by no means a Beyonce stan. I think her music is formulaic, albeit catchy, but I DO readily admit that she’s easily one of the best performers we’ve got right now. Like her or not, she puts DOWN in every performance she gives, and although her over-singing can get obnoxious, diva’s got a voice. At the same time, I know a lot of people who cannot stand the woman. They think she’s shallow, has no personality, her voice is annoying, her unitards make them weep, etc. To them, this is not a big deal. But to anyone who can at least respect her talent, and to anyone who’s paid attention to how private she’s always kept her relationship with her rap mogal husband, Jay-Z, having such a public display of a personal thing was kind of amazing. For a brief moment, the world got to see this secretive couple joyously reacting to a milestone in their marriage, right in front of our faces. Sure, we’ve heard them both say they love and admire each other, but it’s not often that you even see them near each other on a red carpet, let alone sharing this kind of news with people. I mean, their wedding was kept totally hush-hush and the event had a full media blackout. Go ahead, scour Google. You cannot find a picture of so much as a crumpled napkin from the reception. But their impending bundle of baby joy? We were actually let in on that one.

There’s been rumors about Beyonce possibly being pregnant ever since she wed Jay-Z. They’re constantly having to field questions about it in every interview. We’ve been looking for a baby bump like psychopaths for years. With her doing a couple recent performances wearing a loose fitting dress in place of her usual skintight one-pieces, the rumor mill has been in a frenzy. She wasn’t going to be able to hide the bulge in her figure for much longer, so it looks like she just took it upon herself to tell us everything without even saying a word. If she couldn’t hide it, she might as well be in total control of how the news got out; and she did it after kicking all kinds of ass wailing out “Love On Top.” Come on, dropping the mic like a G and just rubbing her belly? Can you picture anyone else pulling that off with such authority? I’m gonna need a moment.

Got damn, people. Of COURSE this is a big deal. One of the biggest power couples in the universe has a baby in the oven. I wouldn’t be surprised if that child springs into the world with the most beautiful wail ever heard by human ears. It’s going to be raised by two of the biggest stars in the world (and fingers crossed for some help from our favorite bigmouth, Kanye West!) and hopefully writing one hell of a tell-all in 20 years.

I’ll just say one last thing: Let’s pray the baby gets her mama’s looks. Nothing but love for Jay-Z, but.

Yeah.

Never do this again…maybe?

Oh. Oh my.

First Bieber, now Anne Hathaway? Listen white people, some of us can do it and most of us can’t. And when I say some of us I mean maybe 5 in the whole universe. Please, please, you’re giving black comedians more ammunition to do the “white people are so stiff and hhahaha, srsly, fuckin white people, amirite?” skit. They have MORE than enough material on this matter. And ok wait, furthermore, A – What is going on in Anne’s brain to make her think that is “in the style of” Lil Wayne and 19 – I think Jesus is weeping. I almost want to say there’s some cuteness in this embarrassment but mostly, I’m cringing hard enough to bring on a seizure.

It happened.

He’s sucked me in. I’ve been trying to resist since the moment I saw him, but he’s a little too slick for his own good.

Goddammit Bieber.

You rap now? Ugh, well, I guess you’ve been rapping for awhile but it’s not like I’ve been paying attention to you. You’re a child! I don’t listen to songs where a 10 year old (you’re still 10, right? yes, pretty sure that’s right.) makes false promises of making me less lonely or whines about having his heart broken. You’re fucking 10, get used to it. You’ve got a lot more coming, kid. Selena Gomez is going to eat your face one day. Mark my words.

Anyways. So yeah, you’re rapping. You’re a white 10 year old boy who JUST graduated from a long run with an angry lesbian haircut and you’re outrapping Chris Brown right now. Really? You better watch out, you wouldn’t like Chris Brown when he’s angry.

Sigh. Fuck it. You win, Bieber. Call me when you’re 18. If I’m calculating correctly I’ll be around 55 at the time, but we’ll make it work.

I’ve decided…

To make this blog be about whatever the hell I want it to be about. I realize no one probably gives a flying fuck what I want to ramble about besides my mother (and that’s only because she’s too nice to not at least pretend to care) but I need to make myself write. So nyah.

Let’s talk about the game Never Have I Ever for a second. You know the one, someone says something like, “Never Have I Ever had sex with a baboon,” and if you’ve done it, you drink. The only time I’ve really played that game is during King’s Cup, but last night some genius suggested we just play that game entirely. I wasn’t too keen on it, really. Why? Because for some reason, we don’t lie in that game. Have you noticed that? If some person asks you directly, “hey, ever took it in the ass?” You’re probably going to say, “Heavens to Betsy! Oh dear me, no.”

Like this.

But if that same person says, “Never Have I Ever taken it in the ass,” you grudgingly grab that drink and take a swig. You know you do it. Why the hell is that? Last I checked, Never Have I Ever is not a game where you’re legally bound to tell the truth, but for some reason you do. You’d take that drink in front of your fucking mother if she was sitting right there, and it’s only because the question was posed in that game. And you learn all kinds of sick shit, and everyone laughs, cries, and occasionally, if done right, pukes.

The end.