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The Pop Up

the pop up text

 

Women: I’m not going to ask you if this sounds familiar, because I already know it does.

You’re going about your merry business, your phone buzzes and, thinking nothing of it, you glance at it and a name pops up that throws your brain on its ass.  The name of a person with whom you shared some sort of history with, but is no longer a regular part of your life.  Maybe things ended fine, maybe they ended a little ???, or maybe they ended downright terribly.

Regardless of where things were left, their name popping up incites a dizzying mixture of surprise/excitement/nausea/despair/elation/fury/spastic eroticism/heartburn and before you even attempt to formulate a response, you start a new text to one of your friends saying, “GUESS WHO JUST FUCKIN TEXTED ME.” (more…)

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James Beach Tacos AKA “I Love You, Man” Tacos: Reviewed

WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

One of my friends from college recently made the big move to Los Angeles, and she’s basically become my hetero life partner.  She lives only a couple miles away, she’s one of my few single friends who’s always available for activities (yes, we ARE building bunk beds so we have more room), and she’s cool and smart and funny and shit.  What up, Cate? I just raved about you on the internet.  Congrats.

Cate, excited about coming to the land of supposedly great Mexican food and eager to shove her face into it, (more…)

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You Won’t BELIEVE What This Girl Has To Say About SEX! It Will BLOW Your MIND!

Resist the temptation to steal and repurpose this magic.

Resist the temptation to steal and repurpose this magic.

Awhile back, I had a friend who did a lot of research on how to snag a man.  This girl was on the hunt for a husband, and she was reading books on how to find good men and what sort of trickery to employ to get one to commit and become her “one.”  My initial response was to roll my eyes out of my skull, (more…)

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Michael Jackson? Yeah, I Like Him.

michael jackson

You want to know about obsession?  I’ll tell you about obsession.  I clearly remember being a little kid, maybe 6? 7?, sitting in my room, looking in a mirror (why? that’s probably a question for a therapist), and bawling my eyes out because I wanted to marry Michael Jackson and I didn’t know how I could meet him to make it happen.  My first cassette tape was Thriller.  My first CD was Off The Wall.  I used to choreograph dances to the Dangerous album, teach them to girls on my block, and we’d perform them on the sidewalk in the summer.  The dance to “Why You Wanna Trip On Me” involved all of us tripping over each other, because I did not understand slang yet.   (more…)

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Juice Cleanse Day 3: This Will Be a Shock to No One

I quit!

I made it through the entire 3rd day feeling okay, but I attribute that to the fact that I had eaten the night before.  I also only drank 4 of the 6 juices, and didn’t finish any of them.  I felt so terrible the first day that I didn’t want to risk repeats the following days, so I felt I had to limit my consumption.  Which was cutting crucial calories.  By the end of the day, I admitted to myself that this had been an exercise in insanity, and I ate scraps of food I had leftover from before this thing started.  Screw it.

I definitely didn’t do this the “right” way, considering that I skipped the 3 day prep step before starting it, and that I gave in and ate a bit the last two days.  Would this have gone better if I had?  Maybe!  But I have a tough time thinking that all that sugar would have made me feel good under any circumstances — there was as much as 40g of it in one bottle of those things.  If they’d been less sweet, and had 100% less celery, maybe I could have stuck it out better than I did, but I am pretty convinced these cleanses are a load of shit.

Some people claim that juice detoxes make them feel awesome.  To those people I say good for you.  Keep doing it if you think it works for you.  But for me, this felt the opposite of healthy.

I still have two days of juice coming on Friday and Saturday, unfortunately, but I will not be doing this anymore.  I may drink the two least offensive ones and just throw the rest out.  Maybe donate them to a neighbor.  Maybe blast them into the sun.

In closing, if you’re ever considering doing a juice cleanse, eat some goddamn salad instead.

 

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Juice Cleanse Day 2: Ugh.

I don’t follow rules well.

No headache, heartburn or nausea when I woke up in the morning, but I took one sip of that first celery concoction and poured the rest out.  I also only drank about 3/4 each of all the other juices because they’re too fucking sweet.

And I ate some nuts.  And later some pretzels.  Whoops.

My head has been foggy but otherwise I feel alright.  Shockingly, I’m not hungry.  I gave in and ate some solid food mostly because I needed something to cut all the sugar.

I’m ducking out of social activities with people because I can’t bring myself to explain that I am drinking juice and can’t eat food or drink alcohol with them (what else is there?), even though in LA that’s probably not the most uncommon excuse.

I officially don’t believe that this is “detoxing” or good for you, because no human being should be consuming this much sugar in a day, let alone for days in a row.  This is coming from a girl who could house 4 cupcakes and ask for one more.

I’m shutting this down after Thursday, unless I wake up with either A) superpowers, B) washboard abs, or C) washboard abs with superpowers.

 

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Juice Cleanse Day 1: This Is Entirely Too Much Juice

In case you missed my post Monday explaining why I’m doing this to myself, click here.

When the Pressed Juicery delivery person showed up and placed the first box of juices at my door at 3:30am, I was awake to hear it.  My dog had woken me up moments prior to vomit on the floor.  Archer is sympathy barfing the start of this experience.

For the last four days, I’ve been polluting my body with alcohol and nutritionally bankrupt foods.  From my birthday celebration on Friday to the Bey/Jay concert I went to on Sunday, watching what I eat/drink has been sliced off of my priority list and set on fire.  So I’m already doing this all wrong.  According to all the juice cleanse “how to do this without dying” material I read on the internet, you’re supposed to slowly ease yourself into a cleanse by eating healthy, light foods and drinking a lot of water for at least three days prior.  That just didn’t happen at all. (more…)

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Ice Cream and I Have Agreed to See Other People.

Reasons why I eat:

-I’m happy about something.
-I’m sad about something.
-The sky is blue again today.
-My dog has cool whiskers.
-Beyonce exists.

Ugh, I need some chicken wings.

Ugh, I need some chicken wings.

In other words, most of the time I don’t eat purely because I’m hungry.  I’m actually not hungry that often.  If I were to eat just to satiate a bodily need, I think I could get by on a big sandwich per day and be fine.  But food is a form of comfort to me, and sometimes the relationship gets ugly, particularly when I’m stressed out about something.  I’ve written myself a prescription for pizza and ice cream and I can refill it until the end of time.  I can write you one too, if you want!

This is why I have decided to do a juice cleanse, starting tomorrow.  Why should you care?  You don’t have to, but this is my goddamn blog and you’re here, aren’t you?

One of my friends has done one through a local place called Pressed Juicery, and they deliver you a shipment for the day every morning.  I have appointed them my dealer.  I can hear you now: “Jesus Christ, how LA of you!  What’s next, you going to become an organic homeopathic vegan Scientologist?”  First of all, I’m not nearly wealthy enough to be a Scientologist.  Secondly, no!  I’m not trying to really “cleanse” myself of anything – I think the whole cleansing theory is bullshit to begin with (although my body will undoubtedly benefit from a break from cheese and wine).  I’m doing this because I want to challenge myself to stop consuming things just to consume them, and see if I can do it.  I’ve already tried simply eating healthy, but my willpower isn’t usually strong enough to stick to it for long.  I feel like I need a reset button of sorts.  So I’m trying this.  Maybe it’ll be good for me in the long run.

Or maybe I will just be a miserable sack of misery for the next few days (chances: solid), in which case maybe don’t talk to me much?  Either way, I’ll be blogging about how this goes.  If I’m going to torture myself by drinking straight up liquified kale spinach gross for several days, you’re gonna read about it!  I mean, if you choose to.

Ew!  Juice!

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Once, I Had A Sisqo Website

You know the guy.

 

Take it in.  Now we both feel dirty.

Now we both feel dirty.

For those of you who know me as the lazy piece of crap I am now, you might be surprised to know that I was a very motivated and creative youth.  I voraciously consumed every Berenstain Bear, Clifford the Big Red Dog, and eventually, as a pre-teen, Nancy Drew, Babysitter’s Club and Sweet Valley High Book I could read – along with random terrifying and graphic sci-fi books my dad left around.  Then I started writing my own stories.  It got to the point that I eventually wrote my own “book series” called The Modern Young Women Series (trying to sound cool and sadly, not quite getting it yet), which was shamelessly modeled off of The Babysitter’s Club books. I wrote so much that eventually my electric typewriter was not enough for me, and I lusted for a shiny new computer of my very own.

At the tender age of 11-12 years old my wish came true, and along with my Macintosh Performa,  I was somehow granted completely unrestricted and unsupervised internet access.  Not knowing what the fuck the internet was at the time or what I was supposed to do on it, I ended up on websites dedicated to the only thing I really thought a lot about at the time: Michael Jackson.  After a few years of familiarizing myself with the interweb and a dizzying amount of fan-run websites, in the heyday of build-your-own-site platforms like Angelfire and Geocities, I figured I’d try my hand at making my own.  After teaching myself some very basic HTML, my Michael Jackson website was born.  I can’t remember much about it, but it looked like a typical homegrown 90′s website, and it had MIDI music of one of his songs playing on it.

Ugh, do you remember MIDI music?  If you don’t, this will jog your memory. Woof.

Not completely satisfied with my creation for pressing teenage reasons, I abandoned it and moved onto making a site for his little sister, Janet.  Man, did I love the Jacksons!

Still feeling artistically unfulfilled, and saddled with way too much fan-site competition, my next project became clear to me with the release of a song I think you’ll recognize as one of the most stunning and provocative musical creations in recent history:

My new website would be dedicated to the thong worshiping blonde haired song siren himself, Sisqo.  And this became my most successful internet project to date.  What did I call this site? (more…)

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Common Situations, As Experienced by Kanye West and Kim Kardashian

 

 

Making the bed

“KIM!  KIM!!!!!!! YOU THINK THESE COLORS IS FADIN?  THIS PURPLE AIN’T REGAL ENOUGH ANYMORE.  WE’RE ROYALTY UP IN THIS SHIT.  AIN’T NOBODY HIGHER THAN US!  NO ONE CAN CATCH US SLACKIN ON OUR FUCKIN COLOR FADE TECHNOLOGY!!!! BRING THAT ASS OVER HERE AND CHECK THIS OUT.  MMM YEAH, DAT ASS.  THESE COLORS AIN’T RIGHT KIM!!!  THIS AIN’T FIT FOR A FUCKIN GOD!!!!!!!  It is soft though.”
“I know, baby!”

Choosing what to eat at a restaurant

“KIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KIM.  KIM, YOU THINK WE SHOULD GET SOME CHEESECAKE?  THIS CHEESECAKE GOT CREME FRAICHE ON IT.  THE FUCK IS A CREME FRAICHE?  KIM, YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A CREME FRAICHE IS?  CREME FRAICHE BE SOME WORTHY SHIT FOR A FUCKING EMPEROR TO PUT IN HIS MOUTH?  KIM, THIS CHEESECAKE GONNA FUCK UP MY STOMACH AGAIN?  I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T, RIGHT, GIRL?  YOU KNOW DESSERT MAKE MY DICK HARD THOUGH!  Ugh, it sounds positively sinful, doesn’t it?  We should be bad tonight.”
“Baby.  You’re right.”

Picking out what to wear

“KIM.  KIIIIIIIIIIM!!!!!!!!  KIM?????????? KIM!  THIS DRESS IS FOR YOU.  YOU SEE THIS?  THIS IS A FUCKING NEW ERA OF DRESS.  CLOTHES AREN’T JUST CLOTHES, KIM!!!!!!!!!!! CLOTHES ARE OUR STATEMENT TO THE WORLD, AND OUR STATEMENT IS FUCK YOU!   YOU CAN BOW THE FUCK DOWN!  WE RUN THE FUCKIN WORLD!  YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M SAYIN KIM?  CHEST BUMP ME RIGHT NOW, GIRL!!!!!!! DAMN THEM TITTIES IS BOUNCY AS FUCK!  LET ME ZIP THIS UP, GIRL!  OH YEAH DAT ASS.  LOOKIN LIKE THE PERFECT QUEEN TO THIS FUCKIN KING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO ONE CAN MESS WITH US.  NO ONE CAN TOP US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE ON THIS SHIT, KIM!!!!!!!!!!!  KIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE ON THIS SHIT!!!!!!!  Where’d you get those heels, girl, them rhinestones are so sparkly.”
“Oh baby, I know.”

Changing North’s diaper

“¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡KIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  THIS SHIT FUCKIN STINK, KIM.  WHAT WE GOTTA DO TO MAKE THIS BABY SHIT OUT A FLOWER?  NORTH WEST DOESN’T FUCKIN SHIT SHIT, SHE SHITS FLOWERS.  THIS BABY IS GONNA BE THE FIRST HUMAN BEING TO EVER SHIT OUT SHIT YOU WANT TO SMELL!   PEOPLE GONNA WALK BY THE BATHROOM AFTER SHE SHITS AND BE LIKE, “THOSE PEONIES?!!!!!!!”  YOU GOD DAMN RIGHT THOSE ARE PEONIES!!!!!!!!  WE ARE GONNA MAKE THIS HAPPEN.  THIS CHILD WAS FUCKIN CHOSEN.  THIS CHILD IS A GODDESS.  KIM THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN, KIM.  WE GONNA GET HER ON AN ALL FLOWER DIET, KIM.  WE GONNA CHANGE THE FUCKIN GAME RIGHT NOW.  I think we’ve been feeding her too much fiber, honestly.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Kanye.”

 

I just made your head hurt.   Here:

welcomePeonies_09

 

Sorry.