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That Time I Didn’t Fall In Love On A Plane

I wrote this in February of 2017 and never published it, probably because it felt too personally revealing to share.  But now that time has passed and I can look back on it and laugh, I figure I’ll share it with you so you, too, can laugh.  I am no longer single so hell has already frozen over, and I can’t even remember what this guy looked like.

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Whenever people ask me why I don’t write anymore, I tell them it’s because I don’t have anything to say.  I still sit down and start to try to tap out a story now and then, but it usually falls apart when I stop and ask myself “what is my point?,”, or “who the hell cares about this?” or “is this sharing too much about a person in my life who may read it and be less than thrilled I’m posting about it?” and I abandon it.

But finally, friends, something happened.  A something that made me stop and say to myself, “this may actually get me writing again.” Minimal risk of the person it involves discovering it, but even if he does, my fucks given are lost somewhere in the ether.

And so here it is: my adorable plane love story….. that was not.  AT ALL.

A few weeks ago I ended up going on an impromptu work trip to NYC.  Only 2 nights, and I was scheduled to be out early the following day.  I packed light and my physical appearance upon arriving at LAX for my 10AM flight could best be described as greasy chic.  I sailed through security thanks to the blessing that is TSA pre-check, and took my far too sweet vanilla latte and egg & cheese breakfast wrap to sit at my gate.

As I glanced around, my eye stopped on a guy that was so attractive it made me pick up my phone to text my friend, Kim, about it.  (Hay Kim.)  This is a thing that does not happen often in my world.

There is a hot guy at my gate.

GO TALK TO HIM.

….no.

(more…)

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I Don’t Use Humor As A Shield What Are You Talking About

I was not a funny kid, but I always liked comedy.  My cousin and I would get Domino’s and watch Dana Carvey and George Carlin stand up before we were old enough to understand it.  We were drawn to anything that had the potential to amuse us. Our childhoods weren’t all that great, you see!

Back then I was a hideously shy, quiet girl who took everything personally.  I went to a tiny school in a tiny town with a bunch of bored kids.  Bullying was a common pastime, and I was an easy target.  I was too skinny, my ears stuck out, and I never fought back.  I was berated for my looks, for using words that were too big (I carried around a pocket thesaurus for years — the equivalent to putting a kick me sign on my own back), for finishing my tests too fast, and for getting good grades.  This is not a humblebrag – none of that shit gets you liked in school. I had been praised so much for doing well in school by my family that I’d never risk disappointing them by slacking off, but I wanted desperately to be liked and accepted by my peers. (more…)

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Pop Tarts Just Got Sexy

You've been bad, haven't you?

Who’s a naughty little pop tart?  You are.  mmmmmhmmm

I’ve had a computer since I was roughly 10.  I used to write all the time, and while a lot of the evidence has been lost over the years, plenty of stuff is still in existence on my current computer.  Examples include AIM conversations from high school, all the way through college (if you’re a boy and we talked a lot, I have so many conversations saved between us still – horrible, horrible conversations), diary entries of sorts, and stunning papers I wrote in college.  I’m going to share one of my crowning achievements with you now.  I wrote the following for Freshman Comp on 9/12/2001 at SUNY New Paltz, one day after 9/11.  Let this be a lesson to everyone that a national disaster can do some weird things to your creative output levels.  Judging by whatever this is, I’m guessing the assignment was to try to induce a boner while describing food packaging.  Here is the completely unedited version of what I came up with: (more…)

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My Father, My Aunt & What Their Deaths Taught Me

Christmas - Dad, Mom & I

Dad, Mom & me – Christmas at some point when I was still a tiny, Asian child

 

My dad passed away in 1993, when I had just turned 10 years old.  His sister, also obviously my aunt, passed away this past weekend.  Both of them died as a result of their own actions.  In my father’s case, it was intentional.  In my aunt’s, years of substance and alcohol abuse had only one exit option – whether she clearly intended for it to happen at the time it did or not, she knew she was slowly killing herself. (more…)

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The Pop Up

the pop up text

 

Women: I’m not going to ask you if this sounds familiar, because I already know it does.

You’re going about your merry business, your phone buzzes and, thinking nothing of it, you glance at it and a name pops up that throws your brain on its ass.  The name of a person with whom you shared some sort of history with, but is no longer a regular part of your life.  Maybe things ended fine, maybe they ended a little ???, or maybe they ended downright terribly.

Regardless of where things were left, their name popping up incites a dizzying mixture of surprise/excitement/nausea/despair/elation/fury/spastic eroticism/heartburn and before you even attempt to formulate a response, you start a new text to one of your friends saying, “GUESS WHO JUST FUCKIN TEXTED ME.” (more…)

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James Beach Tacos AKA “I Love You, Man” Tacos: Reviewed

WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

One of my friends from college recently made the big move to Los Angeles, and she’s basically become my hetero life partner.  She lives only a couple miles away, she’s one of my few single friends who’s always available for activities (yes, we ARE building bunk beds so we have more room), and she’s cool and smart and funny and shit.  What up, Cate? I just raved about you on the internet.  Congrats.

Cate, excited about coming to the land of supposedly great Mexican food and eager to shove her face into it, (more…)

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You Won’t BELIEVE What This Girl Has To Say About SEX! It Will BLOW Your MIND!

Resist the temptation to steal and repurpose this magic.

Resist the temptation to steal and repurpose this magic.

Awhile back, I had a friend who did a lot of research on how to snag a man.  This girl was on the hunt for a husband, and she was reading books on how to find good men and what sort of trickery to employ to get one to commit and become her “one.”  My initial response was to roll my eyes out of my skull, (more…)

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Michael Jackson? Yeah, I Like Him.

michael jackson

You want to know about obsession?  I’ll tell you about obsession.  I clearly remember being a little kid, maybe 6? 7?, sitting in my room, looking in a mirror (why? that’s probably a question for a therapist), and bawling my eyes out because I wanted to marry Michael Jackson and I didn’t know how I could meet him to make it happen.  My first cassette tape was Thriller.  My first CD was Off The Wall.  I used to choreograph dances to the Dangerous album, teach them to girls on my block, and we’d perform them on the sidewalk in the summer.  The dance to “Why You Wanna Trip On Me” involved all of us tripping over each other, because I did not understand slang yet.   (more…)

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Juice Cleanse Day 3: This Will Be a Shock to No One

I quit!

I made it through the entire 3rd day feeling okay, but I attribute that to the fact that I had eaten the night before.  I also only drank 4 of the 6 juices, and didn’t finish any of them.  I felt so terrible the first day that I didn’t want to risk repeats the following days, so I felt I had to limit my consumption.  Which was cutting crucial calories.  By the end of the day, I admitted to myself that this had been an exercise in insanity, and I ate scraps of food I had leftover from before this thing started.  Screw it.

I definitely didn’t do this the “right” way, considering that I skipped the 3 day prep step before starting it, and that I gave in and ate a bit the last two days.  Would this have gone better if I had?  Maybe!  But I have a tough time thinking that all that sugar would have made me feel good under any circumstances — there was as much as 40g of it in one bottle of those things.  If they’d been less sweet, and had 100% less celery, maybe I could have stuck it out better than I did, but I am pretty convinced these cleanses are a load of shit.

Some people claim that juice detoxes make them feel awesome.  To those people I say good for you.  Keep doing it if you think it works for you.  But for me, this felt the opposite of healthy.

I still have two days of juice coming on Friday and Saturday, unfortunately, but I will not be doing this anymore.  I may drink the two least offensive ones and just throw the rest out.  Maybe donate them to a neighbor.  Maybe blast them into the sun.

In closing, if you’re ever considering doing a juice cleanse, eat some goddamn salad instead.

 

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Juice Cleanse Day 2: Ugh.

I don’t follow rules well.

No headache, heartburn or nausea when I woke up in the morning, but I took one sip of that first celery concoction and poured the rest out.  I also only drank about 3/4 each of all the other juices because they’re too fucking sweet.

And I ate some nuts.  And later some pretzels.  Whoops.

My head has been foggy but otherwise I feel alright.  Shockingly, I’m not hungry.  I gave in and ate some solid food mostly because I needed something to cut all the sugar.

I’m ducking out of social activities with people because I can’t bring myself to explain that I am drinking juice and can’t eat food or drink alcohol with them (what else is there?), even though in LA that’s probably not the most uncommon excuse.

I officially don’t believe that this is “detoxing” or good for you, because no human being should be consuming this much sugar in a day, let alone for days in a row.  This is coming from a girl who could house 4 cupcakes and ask for one more.

I’m shutting this down after Thursday, unless I wake up with either A) superpowers, B) washboard abs, or C) washboard abs with superpowers.