Just because you are a single unicorn running wild this Valentine’s Day, you don’t have to be sad that you have no one to feed you chocolate strawberries and shove flowers in your face. Those things die anyways, just like the love between a couple that has grown to hate each other. No, there are other things you can do to get through this day without murdering anything, and I’m here, as your resident single & luvin’ it buddy, to share them with you.
1. Get a monkey. With a monkey destroying your apartment and flinging shit at your walls, you won’t have any time to experience sadness or regret or desperation or any of the other pesky emotions this day can bring up.
2. Buy every flavor of Ben & Jerry’s and rate each one on this scientific scale I have created for you. As the cliche goes, the single and lonely person drowns their feelings in a pint of B’s & J’s. It’s tired. Let’s make this a science experiment rather than an exercise in despair. Clean out the freezer case at Ralph’s/Price Chopper with one of each flavor. Ignore the sad eyes the grocer is giving you at the checkout. You are fine! You might not be spooning a person today, but you are going to be spooning the fuck outta (more…)